Picky, Picky

I was asked a question recently that I know for a fact had it been another time in my life I would have answered much differently. The question was whether or not I thought I had any business being selective, or as the questioner put it - picky . My reply came without hesitation - yes I have every right to be selective or as they put it picky. In truth there is always a choice in everything we think and do from turning left or right to saying yes or no.

I didn't always believe that. I'd bought into a story that I have no choices in life, that long ago everything was written out for me in the vast cosmos of the universe.  Now we all know that I'm not smart enough to know the answers to all of life's questions and I certainly don't claim to know whether our lives are all about free will and choice or written down in stone fate. However, and this is one of those places I find myself using a word I often have difficulty with, I believe, in fact in my world I find I have to believe, that I along with everyone else has only choices in their lives and they make them even when they don't make them.

The whole subject came about because I posted on Facebook that I've decided to sign up on an online dating service and stated that I've set my goals at what I believe to be a rather lofty height. Now some may argue that any woman in her right mind that might be of those high qualities and fine standards likely doesn't have any business being with me and there could be some validity to that I guess but still one must at some point draw a line in the sand so to speak. So, though I know that many folks will call me shallow the line I choose to draw begins north of the photographs of women, fine individuals that they may well be, who remind me of my great aunt. Say what you will the truth is that we all draw lines even when we claim not to.

So as I was going to sleep last night I was thinking about a book I've started reading by a Dr. Joe Dispenza titled "Becoming Supernatural" which if I understand correctly talks about how we ultimately end up limiting ourselves beginning at the earliest of ages due to outside influences and also how we might overcome those limits. For me the subject rings true since I understand something about at least some of my younger days. Being told that I had no business thinking I was special was one message I remember hearing loudly, often and without words that might confuse the meaning. In the end I gave in to the words of others who were, I believed in those days, to be wiser than me mostly because they were older than me. Those words and others not unlike them came my way time and again until they were the drum beat that could be heard from within in those moments when everything else went quiet. And then the day came when I quit questioning the truth of those words and found myself living a life that wasn't special in any visible way. I had in truth been brainwashed into mediocrity and for those around me in those days that worked just fine because they believed there was nothing special about them and their lives either.

To me an interesting fact is that although the message of being nothing special is very often told to young and old alike not everyone accepts it as a truth and thus do what they can and what they will to live lives beyond the standards others try to impose on them. I realize that I was never that strong and so in the end I became one of those who simply tried to blend into the background, accept whatever came my way and simply do my best to stay out of the way.

Looking back on my life I have come to realize that I spent my life doing the things that I thought were expected of me. I didn't act on my true feelings when I was reclassified as 1A for the draft and so entered the Navy willingly because I didn't want to go to Vietnam for oh so many reasons. In doing that I was simply doing what I believed was expected of me by others. When my days in the Navy were over I went back to my parents home instead of doing what my gut and my heart were telling me to do simply because that was what I believed was expected of me. In short order I went to work and soon enough found myself a woman who said she'd marry me not because those were the actions I truly wanted to do but because they were things I believed were expected of me.

Then...

Many years later I arrived back in Phoenix from a music festival in Tucson to find what had only days before been a place I called my home now nothing more than a house with only the dog to greet me at the door. Truth be told it wasn't totally unexpected but still the emptiness that accompanied the realization of what had happened left me shaken to the core. It was a feeling that would not leave me for many years.

In my case at least it's true that you do what you know to do and so once everything was over and done with when it came to the standard divorce which it would seem in the norm for much of our nation these days I found myself doing exactly what I'd done all my life which was following some imaginary map I'd made for myself which of course included seeking out another woman to include in my life because obviously I couldn't be known as single which would indicate, in my mind at least, that I was less than what I was "suppose" to be. Not knowing how else to go about it I turned to the internet and AOL's Love site. I met some nice ladies but the truth was I was simply grapping at whatever came my way. Then one day I met up with someone who seemed too good to be true. Of course in the end she was which sent me into a very dark place and the questioning of everything I'd ever thought I believed in.

Many years later and unquestionably far closer to the end of my life than the beginning of it I've come to realize the lies I was told and I'm finally beginning to recognize my truths. We all have them you know. The truth is I don't have to be like everyone else and I can set standards for me and others that very likely won't match with someone else's. I have every right to believe I am special and unique because quite honestly I am. Then again so is everyone else.

Those days of being told I was no one special still wander through the hallways of my mind from time to time; they don't echo nearly as loudly anymore which says something about me having grown a bit. These days though I admit that for me staying humble isn't such a bad way to live my life even if at times I'd love to puff myself up just a bit. Truth is I do have the ability to go off on visions of grandeur with precious little to back me up. Still, that being said I've come to believe that whether "you" like it or not I am special.

So, I've decided to get the ladder out and climb up on that tree to pick from just as high up as I can get. I am going to be picky and I'm not going to apologize for it. In the end all it takes is one but in this case you can bet it's going to be "the one" or none at all.