Thanks to the comments of a friend who found herself so
stressed she actually wrote about it on her Facebook account I am rethinking my
perspective on all the emotions I feel (or not).
In my world my mother was the champion of guilt with her
constant accusations that I wasn't making this person or that person happy or
that I made this person sad or I hurt that person's feelings. And I bought into it to a toxic level which
as I've learned is never totally cleansed from one's soul after the damage has
been done. You think I'm kidding? I still remember in basketball games when
even though I had a shot I'd pass the ball just so no one would get their
feelings hurt. Yeah, the truth here.
It took a lot of years of wondering why alcohol wasn't
numbing me enough to make things better (I can't think of a better oxymoron
sort of situation in my world than that one) to get me to think maybe it was
something else and I should look for other options in all of this. That's when
something totally alien to my past life experience happened and the thought was
shared with me that I am the only one responsible for my feelings and that in
the end I have no power over others to make them feel any way they do or don't
want to feel in the moment. Damn, talk about a heavy message man.
And just that quickly I was released of a burden I'd never
been able to carry.
Trouble was it came with something called responsibility for
self and that's maybe a bit more than I'm really ready for in this life or the
next for that matter. Still, the game
was afoot and my job became the task of changing a life nurtured and grown in a
Midwest world of chronic grey and a societal attitude that one shouldn't expect
too much and flip it over on its' backside big time. And truth be told that
task has not always been so easy to the point that there are times when
slipping back into those old comfortable shoes has been real simple to do. And
even as I think about it all I know the pull that those soft, sullen, low
hanging grey clouds can bring to one and wrap him in the once non-responsible
world of bliss I once knew.
Of course there is another side to this and that's the one
where someone, say me for example, decides that the only way to get seriously
into this personal responsibility thing is to take it on full on and believe
that ultimately I'm the only one that can do it for myself. So the plan is to see to it that I build this
wall that surrounds me and if everything goes according to plan in the end I
shouldn't need anyone so that's going to take care of everything and I'll just
let everyone else worry about themselves and I'll see to my own sorrows and
joys without the complications. And you know it can work if you've got the
right bricks and mortar to start with so to speak.
It's funny how "the best laid plans" can often
times go sideways on one. If I had to guess it would likely be because they
weren't the best laid plans in the first place but rather actions taken in a
moment of pain and anger and confusion and despair and all I want is to bury
everything away some place where no one will ever see it or sense it and I will
never again have to deal with it. Of course if anyone understands the basics of
fermentation it isn't only beer, wine and sauerkraut that become changed
because of being left in the dark to stir and stew for time. The good cooks
understand that there comes a point in time when the lid must be taken off and
the pressure released or the consequences can be less than desirable. As an example once when my then wife and I
were trying our hand at wine making the principle of too much pressure raised
its' ugly head to us. Do you know that
there's nothing you can do with a popcorn ceiling once it's been changed from
white to wine red.
Lord knows you think you're doing the best not only for
yourself but for everyone around you, just keep your distance and no one will
get hurt, especially not you. But in the end it never works that way because as
the rest of the world goes on its' way with or without you the simple truth is
that you don't. And so all that rather toxic baggage that you shoved away one
day starts doing its' thing and you find yourself hearing the voices. As you begin to notice the others moving on
and away from you the resentment begins to creep in, the resentment that you
thought you'd gotten rid of but never did, and you hear the voice asking why
they don't care and why they don't come and find you and save you. And the
voices go on and the only solution you can think of is to add more bricks and
mortar to the wall.
Even in the building of the tallest wall I suspect that one
will always add either a window, a back door or a secret escape tunnel just in
case. No matter the rest there is something or in the end there is little more
than insanity.
When the first crack
in the wall appears there's confusion. How in heck did that happen? I had
everything figured out . This can't happen. Most accurately this doesn't
happen, not to me at least. Oh sure it
can and does happen to others but not to me.
Besides, I'm happy in a morbid sort of way. No one to bother me. I'm the only one
responsible for me and my feelings and so I don't need anything else. I came up
with this plan right in the middle of that part of my life where everything in
my life was falling down and when things are falling down you're suppose to
build it all back up but build it better and stronger and higher and see to it
it never falls down again. And still there's that crack and worse yet the black
paint is starting to peel off the inside of the window I painted over and that
back door refuses to stay closed like it use to and what am I suppose to do?
Then one day because the truth is you never truly wanted things to be the way
you'd made them that escape tunnel mysteriously begins to generate a vortex
that ultimately draws me back out into the world I always wanted to be in but
didn't know how to once again be a part of. So without really knowing there I
am and believe it or not every now and again there really is sunlight and some
pretty awesome sunrises and sunsets and all the rest.
There's nothing simple or easy about all of it no matter
what some might want you to believe. The truth is you step back out into a
world that wasn't all that different than when you left it but that isn't the
point. The point now is that you are different and you know it and no matter
whether you want to acknowledge it or not there is no way you can ever go back
because you now know it is you yourself and only you that chooses to make
yourself happy, joyful and filled within.
To those who still do not understand I ask a favor of sorts;
keep thinking that the only way you can find your happiness is through the
actions and non-actions of others. Of course it will be a strain on the rest of
us but we understand and once truly free we never have to buy into your drama
again. Think about that for just a while if you will and who knows what could
come of it.
